Hardest Part of Life is.......

Blogging was suppose to be a daily routine or close to that, but been so busy with everything... I practically don't have a casual chillout part of my life, cause the only time I have chillout time - i'm actually just procrastinating ( like right now ) 3 assignments to complete today and its 5pm already =__=

anyway, life hasn't been the same.... momentum this year kinda slowed down from the beginning of the year and now its worst - feeling like I'm just living everyday just to reach another tomorrow and so on. Its been a hard week.... grandma's passing really really is taking a toll on me... I miss her so much and I'm trying to put on a strong face so that I tell myself I'm fine... but truth is, I think I'm still living in denial :( I just hope this was one bad dream... I wanna wake up from this bad dream.

Hard enough that grandma left, its harder when you have to deal with it alone in someways.... emotions are running about, feels like life suddenly just turned against me somehow in June... I don't wanna be that independent girl everyone rely on to do anything, only just right now.... cause I don't even think I'm taking myself that well lately... life is unfair and I know that but it doesn't mean people around me have to make it unfair neither.... sigh.

Another part of me is also falling apart cause when you miss someone it really just bugs you so much... worst of all I'm missing 2 people at the same time... double the emotions, double the stress :( times like this i feel so vulnerable... I feel so torn in between that I want people to be around me and dont want them to be around me aswell..... :/ weird feeling but I guess its just that in a way the people i wish who is here with me now isn't here. 

There are days where I can feel so big difference - so happy and so sad.... I don't feel normal at all anymore... I just wanna runaway from this world I have to go thru everyday now.... I don't want all the responsibilities cause I dont' wanna let anyone down :( but I know my performance now will definitely be short of what everyone thinks i can give :( I don't like these feelings.... pushing and pulling myself through this really is killing me :( 

Words cannot put my emotions on paper nor any colour can represent what fills my heart anymore. I just want to live life more and not live a life for others. I wanna be the centre of everything... I want everything to work in my way for once and not to please anyone... why can't people make sacrifices for me instead of the other way around... why is love so hard :( why does it make me feel so sick everyday..... I just hope things will go my way more... I really miss you but I don't think you really know how much its killing me as I try to tell myself its okay.

Nothing is going right lately - nothing I do now speaks what I really feel anymore :(

Its 100% or Nothing

hellowwworld.

Guess from my previous breakdown couple months back..  life has been fair and its been back to a norm in someway. :) Well, its really almost everytime I feel emotional usually the not so happy ones... I'll come here and blog away.

So I guess things are hectic, life is like a bullet train... 3 years into Uni life away from highschool but yet the friendship never died :) I'm so glad for such great friends!

Anyway, well I'm here now.... blogging away.... cause I've been keeping quite somethings in me....
so lets begin:

I'm crazy when it comes to assignments and I'm really sorry to all who are in the same group with me... cause I tend to take control and yea... I'm sorry... but hey :) atleast we get really good results in the end right?! haha

I've been trying to tell myself to try new things, so yea... new... plenty of that lately ;) only thing is... all these new things really makes me feel like I'm from another planet, I'm not comfortable with it nor I wanna drop it.. hmmm its like I'm stuck in between all these new challenges and a new 'culture'. Sigh... kinda lost here.

Learning to Reflect. gosh, what an age old problem.... I've known to reflect on my actions, decisions and always come to a point where I judge myself on the path I've choosen. However, lately this lost feeling has been affecting my self judgement and pludged me into this spiral or whatever goes attitude? =__= not good. but so far its still working...... question is for how long... hmmm, after exams... time to pick up the pieces. 

Famillly! I love them every so much, but sometimes I get tired of being the glue of everything and doing stuff for the family... cause.... yea I give 100% or nothing... but when you give 100% your whole life... you would atleast want something back right? so I guess lately I've been more selfish, I've been living in my 'own bubble' cause I'm too tired to care for so much.. and well my bubble aint that bad... cause :) in my bubble... I'm building my career, my life and a brighter future... sooo well its not all that bad... unless you're my dad... cause I don't come home till the skies turn black or even sometimes i only stay home when the sky is dark lol."

Its nothing to complain :) Being with someone is relatively new to this version of me... only part is maybe insecurities playing a big role? we need to talk more... hmmm [HeartShapeInsertHereCauseCodeErrorLOL] :) its been only a short while since... but yea same goes in everything I do, its a 100% from me.

Last...I'm just hoping exams end soon and pray hard everything I studied is enough....
so yea, pretty much what I have in me now... its not really that bad... just its been boiling in me too long.. its about to rant it out... waiting for exams to end and the new year to come :) new year new hopes new dreams new aims new goals :)
 
and yes, I was Thirst :) its was awesomess and yes memorable one indeed :) whens the next one?! :) LOL kays now. I've got nothing more to rant.... nites world.

" Believe In Yourself, No matter What people say about you to discourage you "
< 3 XOXO

it aint easy

complex. life.
crying for help everynight,
I'm really doing my best.
But no one see's what hides within me.
All I show is its fine,
Even when theres a thunder storm in my heart,
Even when theres a hurrican in my head,
I have my moments,
I offend some,
I push away more,
but all unintentional,
Only if you know that what I did wasn't intentional,
You'll see what hides in me,
It takes more than just thinking about what goes on in me,
If you really care, ask and I will share
If you don't, really......
'keep your comments to yourself'
The optimist in me,
is slowly fadimg away,
If i could find it, I know I'll get through this,
But until then, everyday i live a life
like a depressed child.

life aint fair
To those who have both your parents around,
treasure them cause they mean a world to you,
even if you don't notice it now.
They give you food and shelter,
and some the opportunity of education.
Imagine life without any of them today,
You will see that life suddenly isn't fair.
No, I tell you.... because out there
there are those who never got to meet their parents
those who suffer everyday, praying for their life's.
Think about it, your parents are the reason.....
the reason You are the way you are today,
no matter how they treat you,
bad.... thats to teach you to be strong
good.... thats to tell you how lucky you are compared to everyone
Love by your parents cannot be defined.
Sometimes you wonder, why is it so....
to me, its because I know they brought me into this world
so that I can make changes and be a movement
and I'm going to do them proud,
no matter what happens,
I will never send my parents to a home
because they already have a home with me.

I'm emotionally drained
I'm not the happy go lucky
Its hard to put on a smile
but
I know I'll come back stronger
When I find my way,
until then
it aint easy.
I'm sorry.

falling

feels horrible.... i wanna just show how i really feel everyday now.... but i can't.... i've got to pretend i'm okay with things....

I'm getting so tired... I feel like crying almost every time when I think about whats happening or more like whats not happening....

I just hope karma bites you back so hard that you're next generations in line suffer 10 X the amount of shit you giving my family. I trust that God is fair and you will be punished for yourselfish acts.! Forget about pretending you care, IF YOU REALLY DO! FREAKING PAY YOUR DEBTS THAT YOU OWE MY FAMILY.... To everyone single one of those selfish idiots who contributed to the situation I am in now. MARK MY WORDS! I'M GOING TO GET YOU BACK 10000 FOLDS.!

Im starting to really feel as if I'm going into depression from all the shit that  has been going on... I need a shoulder.... I want someone to listen to me...... I want a break........... cause Im really really breaking down, I don't think I can take more of this emotional drain...... T____T