anyway, life hasn't been the same.... momentum this year kinda slowed down from the beginning of the year and now its worst - feeling like I'm just living everyday just to reach another tomorrow and so on. Its been a hard week.... grandma's passing really really is taking a toll on me... I miss her so much and I'm trying to put on a strong face so that I tell myself I'm fine... but truth is, I think I'm still living in denial :( I just hope this was one bad dream... I wanna wake up from this bad dream.
Hard enough that grandma left, its harder when you have to deal with it alone in someways.... emotions are running about, feels like life suddenly just turned against me somehow in June... I don't wanna be that independent girl everyone rely on to do anything, only just right now.... cause I don't even think I'm taking myself that well lately... life is unfair and I know that but it doesn't mean people around me have to make it unfair neither.... sigh.
Another part of me is also falling apart cause when you miss someone it really just bugs you so much... worst of all I'm missing 2 people at the same time... double the emotions, double the stress :( times like this i feel so vulnerable... I feel so torn in between that I want people to be around me and dont want them to be around me aswell..... :/ weird feeling but I guess its just that in a way the people i wish who is here with me now isn't here.
There are days where I can feel so big difference - so happy and so sad.... I don't feel normal at all anymore... I just wanna runaway from this world I have to go thru everyday now.... I don't want all the responsibilities cause I dont' wanna let anyone down :( but I know my performance now will definitely be short of what everyone thinks i can give :( I don't like these feelings.... pushing and pulling myself through this really is killing me :(
Words cannot put my emotions on paper nor any colour can represent what fills my heart anymore. I just want to live life more and not live a life for others. I wanna be the centre of everything... I want everything to work in my way for once and not to please anyone... why can't people make sacrifices for me instead of the other way around... why is love so hard :( why does it make me feel so sick everyday..... I just hope things will go my way more... I really miss you but I don't think you really know how much its killing me as I try to tell myself its okay.
Nothing is going right lately - nothing I do now speaks what I really feel anymore :(
Nothing is going right lately - nothing I do now speaks what I really feel anymore :(
